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Living with a Striker?
Twenty five per cent of UK women suffer at the hands of their partners. That figure is expected to rise by one third during the World Cup. Faith Brotherston speaks to two victims of domestic violence.
It’s the first day of one of the most emotionally charged events of the sporting calendar. Across the UK, St George’s Crosses are flying from car windows, bunting is strung across pubs and streets, and city centres are a plethora of red and white as revellers cheer on Steven Gerrard and his team. And one in four women are being beaten senseless because their partner doesn’t agree with Fabio’s starting line up.
Regardless of whether England crash out in the first round or make it all the way to the final and lift the cup, passions and emotions will run high and thousands of women will bear the brunt of it as they defend themselves against brutal attacks from the men who claim to love them. Incidents of domestic violence increased by almost one third (30 per cent) on England match days during the 2006 World Cup, and police forces across the country are bracing themselves for more ‘behind closed doors’ incidents than they are disputes between drunken fans.
Lucy’s Story
Lucy* remembers the day that England failed to qualify for the Euro 2008 competition. She has the scars to remind her. Her husband Peter*, a die-hard Bolton Wanderers fan, was furious when he came home, and demonstrated to her precisely how the defeated team should have kicked the ball. He used her skull.
“Living with a violent man is something very difficult to describe,” she says. “Women read stories like mine, and watch awful scenes on TV and without fail, they say ‘If someone ever did that to me…’ and they say they’d retaliate, kill them, leave, make sure they went to prison. The reality isn’t always that simple.
“The first time for me, it was a slap, a warning. That was the point I ought to have walked away, and not accepted the shocked apology, the self-loathing and tears that Peter immediately followed it up with. He was stressed, tired, upset… He couldn’t believe he’d hurt me. The slap didn’t hurt, it just shocked me, but it had set the precedent – I’d not retaliated and I’d stayed. Seven years later, I am still here, and I’ve had broken bones, stitches, split lips and a detached retina. But it’s not easy to leave when you are sure that someone will kill you if you do,” she adds.
“I suppose over time you convince yourself you must deserve it. Your confidence hits rock bottom and when it’s at its worst, you find yourself hoping that this time; he kills you like he says he will. The only people who know what’s happening are the medical staff who stitch you up. They see you time and again and they try to talk to you, to reassure you and put you in touch with the people who can support you and put the man away. But I think a lot of women, like me, have little faith in the justice system and are afraid that if they are brave enough to do it, if the X Rays and the photos are strong enough evidence to see your partner put away, that one day, when he gets out, he’ll come and find you and make you pay.”
I’d like to say Lucy’s story is a terrible, almost unique incident. But it’s not. According to the UK’s leading support charity for women, Women’s Aid, one incident of domestic violence is reported every minute, and two women a week are killed as a result of domestic violence.
Leaving a violent partner takes courage, but it is crucial to building a happy, successful future, as Pauline Morgan proves. She was married for just 13 months, but escaped the cycle and has built up a successful career as a clairvoyant and medium who often helps women who are in the same situation that she found herself in more than 30 years ago.
Pauline’s Story
Pauline says: “I was living in Northern Ireland; it was while the trouble was at its height. My husband to be pursued me and we went out, and he was the best man you could wish for, he was everything you could want. After a year together, we married. We were both Catholic, and of course there are strong beliefs surrounding marriage in the Catholic faith.
“The first time he hit me was the night that Charlie’s Angels aired on TV for the first time. We were sat on the sofa watching it on our little black and white television when suddenly, out of nowhere, he landed his fist in my face. To this day I’ve no idea what provoked it. That was the beginning – he would beat me regularly.
“His favourite time to hurt me was when we were making love, when we should have been at our most loving. It was sheer hell. I reached a point where I could hide the bruises no more and I turned to my family. They were devout Catholics but they were determined to help us make the marriage work. They helped us to move to England where we got jobs. We thought we’d be happier. But he wasn’t. He began seeing other, younger girls – I was 19 – and my beatings continued.
“My parents decided to move over too, they would live with us so they could keep an eye on things and help prevent me being harmed. Fifteen minutes before my father’s car pulled up, I was ironing and he started to lay into me, I was in so much pain from being booted between the legs.
“The key incident I think occurred when we were in the local pub with my family playing darts. No-one provoked him, everyone was having fun but all of a sudden there was an excruciating pain in my right knee where my husband had flung a dart at me, in front of a packed pub, in front of my family. They realised that they were true to God but that their daughter had to come first and they helped me to leave and to divorce him. The marriage lasted 13 months.”
Pauline used her experiences to pursue her goals and is now a successful medium, tarot card reader and public speaker.
“I meet women all the time and realise they’re enduring the same treatment, so I try and make them realise that they have to get out. It’s so hard because these men make you believe you’re worthless, that you’ll never cope without them and that no-one else could ever want you, but it’s not true and to live in fear is no life at all. What I went through made me who I am today and I want to help any women who are being oppressed like this,” she says.
Women’s Aid
Women’s Aid supports 500 domestic violence support services across the country and runs a 24-hour helpline is association with Refuge. To try and raise awareness of domestic violence, it has launched its ‘Real Man’ campaign encouraging men to become part of the solution to ending violence against women. It has been backed by a host of celebrities showing that they’re Real Men and don’t hit women. The campaign includes a range of ‘Real Man’ t-shirts designed by Henry Holland, exclusively available from Debenhams, throughout June for £10.
Nicola Harwin CBE, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid said: “We are delighted to be able to launch our ‘Real Man’ campaign that sends out the clear message that a ‘Real Man’ would never be abusive or violent towards a partner. Women’s Aid wants to engage with men, the majority of whom are not perpetrators of violence against women, to support our work to end violence against women and children and to actively refuse to tolerate any form of this crime.
“We are so grateful to the men involved for donating their time and energy to our campaign. Some police areas have found an increase in the reporting of incidents of domestic violence during big sporting events such as the World Cup, so now is a very relevant time to raise awareness. We hope that this campaign will reach out to both men and women to send out the clear message that domestic violence is never acceptable.”
If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, please seek guidance and support. Contact the freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge on 0808 2000 247 or visit www.womensaid.org.uk
Pauline Morgan’s book based on her experiences, Special Houses, is out now, and she can be reached at www.pauline-morgan.co.uk
—— FACT BOX ——
- One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute
- In any one year, there are 13 million separate incidents of physical violence or threats of violence against women from partners or former partners
- 32% of women who had experienced domestic violence did so four or five (or more) times
- 54% of UK rapes are committed by a woman’s current or former partner
- On average two women a week are killed by a male partner or former partner: this constitutes around one-third of all female homicide victims
- The Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) received just over a quarter of million calls during its first 12 months
- At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence
- Nearly three quarters of children on the ‘at risk’ register live in households where domestic violence occurs and 52% of child protection cases involving domestic violence
- In 75% to 90% of incidents of domestic violence, children are in the same or the next room
- 70% of children living in UK refuges have been abused by their father
- 1 in 5 young men and 1 in 10 young women think that abuse or violence against women is acceptable
About the author
Name: Faith Brotherston
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