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Be fabulous meets a woman who took a step into the world of online dating in her quest for a knight in armour, shining or otherwise

Take a look at this woman. She’s 30, she’s drop-dead gorgeous, has a killer figure, she works hard, plays hard, owns her own home, and has a wide circle of friends.

So you can imagine that I was nothing short of shocked, horrified and appalled when I found out she’d registered with dating agencies in her quest to find a boyfriend. Why can’t you just meet them in the course of your every day life, I demanded? Can’t you get chatting to someone in a bar, through friends, through work, at the gym? But Catherine* has been there, done that, bought the tee shirt and shrunk it in the wash.

Much like the archetypal heroine Bridget Jones, Catherine, an account manager at an advertising agency, is fed up of meeting men who play games, are jealous, insane, clinging on to previous relationships or looking for a meal-ticket.

Unlike Bridget, she does not have an arse the size of Brazil, and nor does she have a sexy, smouldering lawyer adversary who she may fall madly in love with when she’s least expecting it.

Following numerous wasted months with the Toxic Ex, she registered with Dating Direct and Match.com. Within 72 hours, she’d had 109 visits, 49 ‘winks’, 13 emails demanding to know more, take her to dinner, get to know her better and one relentless admirer using the instant messaging service to all but stalk her. She’d also had a string of messages written in French, Spanish and Italian, and more than her fair share of interest from men old enough to be her father, who had ignored her desired ’29-35’ age bracket and who sleazily lavished compliments upon her. A computer can’t leer and look down your top, but if it could, it would have.

Which is when I asked her to keep me in the loop and report back so that Be Fabulous readers looking for love could get a heads up on the online dating world. Catherine decided to pursue her quest for true love online for one month to see how it panned out. Within a couple of weeks, her popularity count rivalled Kelly Brook’s – her profile had been viewed more than 1,000 times and she’d received masses of messages; some that made her click on the sender’s profile, and some that made her skin crawl.

Within the space of that month, only two people had made enough of an impression on her for her to want to respond.

“I don’t want people thinking that I have a very high opinion of myself and that I thought I was too good for these people,” she is quick to say.
“It was actually a bit disappointing – I know people who have found successful relationships online and I had hoped I would get introduced to some great men. But some of the messages I was receiving were so sleazy that I’d have been mad to give them any encouragement.”

“I wasn’t in this to find a one night stand, I value myself more than that, but a lot of these men were. I was also getting a lot of much older men, which meant they’d just ignored my ‘looking for’ criteria.
“I’d been quite excited for the first few days but the more dodgy messages and ‘winks’ I got, the more I started to think that perhaps it was a waste of time.
“But after a week or so, I did ‘meet’ two guys who I liked the look of and the sound of, and we struck up an online conversation.

The first, Harry*, was attractive, and his messages suggested he was witty and bright. We exchanged a few emails but he lived in Southampton, which was a little inconvenient!”
Then, James* got in touch. He sent her a message and Catherine, taken with his appearance, his description of himself, and his message, responded.

“He was attractive, we had things in common, he was entertaining and we got along. It came to a head quite quickly – by a coincidence, he was visiting friends in Birmingham and I was out with my friends the same night. He asked if he could meet up, and after a bit of an internal debate, I agreed and we exchanged numbers.
“It is a big deal – I read the papers and I know some of the horror stories that can occur; people pretending to be someone else, or preying on women, but I made a point of saying he could meet us in a crowded bar, while I was with my friends; I wouldn’t have gone and met a stranger alone.
“That evening, he called and sure enough, he and his mates met up with us. He was lovely. He was just as attractive as his picture and he was a really lovely guy, exactly the kind of man I’d like as a close friend…and that was the problem. I don’t know why, because he did tick the boxes, but I realised that night that online dating just wasn’t for me. Maybe it’s because the spark is taken away – when you just happen to meet someone and you hit it off, it’s a really good feeling. The internet kind of takes that away.

Catherine removed herself from the sites and is still awaiting her knight in shining armour.
“It doesn’t have to be that shiny, to be honest, I don’t mind if it’s a bit tarnished! I wouldn’t tell people not to bother with internet dating; I know it works for some people – I know several who have met great guys through the net, but it clearly wasn’t the way for me. I shall just stick to tried and tested methods like friends of friends, bars, the gym, all of the usual ways we meet one another, and maybe one of them will turn out to be my soul-mate, you never know!
“It was certainly an eye-opening experience. Part of me was alarmed because there are some quite mercenary people who make it clear that they’re just out for sexual gratification, and then there are those that you realise are just longing for someone to spend the rest of their lives with, and they’re not finding it. It made me glad I am not longing for a relationship – I rub along quite happily on my own. I’d just like someone to share things with, that’s all.”

Catherine’s top five do’s and don’ts for internet daters:

1. DO put safety first – if you do strike up a conversation and want to take it further, meet that person in a public place, and ideally with friends. Organise your own transport and don’t accept lifts. “You also need to be cautious about allowing your date to walk you to your cab or train,” she says. “It sounds cynical, but we don’t live in a fairytale. A date has to earn your trust.”
2. Guys, DON’T put a picture of yourself with a woman on the site! “The number of pictures of a guy with a woman is astonishing. They could well be a friend or a sister, but you’re trying to meet women so just stick to a solo shot.”
3. DON’T post sleazy naked/scantily clad images. “Not everyone wants to see it all up-front. Some people are looking for a lasting relationship, not titillation. There are a horrible number of bare torsos and boxer-clad men on there, and I’m sure it goes the same for women.”
4. DO be up-front about what you want, and respect those criteria. “If someone wants a blonde model in her early 20s for fun and excitement, why would a brunette 40-year-old lawyer wanting a life partner get in touch? It is a waste of everyone’s time. I was clear about the sort of man I was looking for, what his interests would be and how old he would be, and it just aggravated me that men ignored that to make lascivious remarks or considered themselves an exception to those criteria.”
5. DON’T persevere with it if you realise it’s not for you or when you meet someone special. “It only took that one date with James to make me realise I wasn’t going to be comfortable meeting people through the site. I removed myself. There are people who keep surfing the site for an ego boost, but that is cruel. Have some respect if you realise internet dating is not your bag. Similarly, if you meet someone you want to get to know much better, have the respect to remove yourself. You wouldn’t like to think they were keeping their options open, so show them the same courtesy.”

*Names have been changed.

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